As a mum, is your own self-care selfish?
M.E. story with self-care
Given that I have previously spent years of my life in bed unwell with myalgic encephalomyelitis (M.E)., I’d say making sure I have a balanced life with plenty of self-care is a constant work in progress so that I can be happy and healthy.
Personal motherhood story with self-care
Yet as soon as I became a mother in 2016, all of my self-care appeared to go out of the window. This was probably the time I needed it the most.
I had made the transition from an independent woman to a mother with a dependent who was also known as our sleep thief. At this time, life was out of control, I felt depressed, hopeless and lost. I hit rock bottom.
You would have thought I’d have learnt when we welcomed baby no 2, but I again fell into the trap of placing a low value on my self-care and made my children’s care my one and only priority.
My walks for self-care.
I truly believe that the main reason I became seriously unwell with Pneumonia recently was because I was putting 100% of my energy into trying to be the super mum, aka the perfect parent and ignoring my own needs.
What is self-care?
According to the World Health Organisation, 2019, “Self care is the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and to cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health care provider”.
If you type the term into google, you will find this definition “the practice of taking an active role in protecting one's own well-being and happiness, in particular during periods of stress”.
As you can see, there appears to be many different definitions of what self care actually means. Perhaps, self care is unique to each of us. For me, self care is investing in your own emotional and physical wellbeing in order to prevent disease and illness.
The ultimate aim of self-care is for it to make us feel happy and healthy.
The traditional role of a mother
I recently reached asked a group of mothers what they consider self-care to be.
These comments stuck in my mind: “In this house it means grabbing 5 mins on the loo to yourself without interruption”,
“Getting to either wash my hair or cut my nails”
“Having a poo with the door locked rather than with my usual 3 year old audience”.
Why do so many mothers place such a low value on their own self care?
I personally believe that this is because traditionally mothers were the only caregivers, who looked after the home, the children, their husband or partner.
Cooking healthy to help my mind.
Historically women were not worthy of “indulging” in looking after themselves, as long as they looked after everyone else then their “job” was done.
Societal views on motherhood
The constant judgement placed on mother’s doesn’t help with the pressure on today’s mums.
Why is it okay for a father/partner to leave his family for a weekend or a week to go on holiday with his friends for his own self care, yet if a mother does the same they are deemed to be selfish or a bad mother?
Okay, not all families operate like this, but it would appear to be the majority I’ve come across do. I see hundreds of mum’s who place lower value on their own sleep over their partner’s because they go to work full time.
Yet, the same partners who admit that going to work is usually so much easier than staying at home.
Are we as a society essentially saying that it is unsafe for partners to go to work on little sleep and safe for the primary caregivers to look after tiny humans on even less sleep?
Why does self-care matter?
A recent study by Royal College of Obstetricians & Gynaecologists (2017) stated that:
1 in 5 women develop mental health problems during pregnancy or in the first year after childbirth.
Nearly one quarter of maternal deaths between 6 weeks and 1 year after childbirth are due to mental health issues.
Maternal mental health costs the U.K. £8.1 billion each year
I think these figures alone are shocking.
Change is needed, not just to the support systems available to mothers who are struggling with their mental health but allowing mothers to place higher value on their self-care and worth.
What would our country look like if that £8.1 billion was invested into mothers and expectant mothers self care? How many lives would be saved? How many mothers would better cope with the demands of modern motherhood? Surely prevention is better than cure.
What you can do for your self-care
A spontaneous self-care day
With this in mind, why not try to increase your own self-care to boost your own happiness as well as the well-being of your children. Here is a list of self-care activities you can try:
Improving yours and your family’s sleep quality (sorry I had to add this one here)
Go for a coffee in a café alone
Chat to a friend on the phone for hours
Start an at home hobby such as painting, writing, sewing, knitting
Dance like no one is watching
Take a nap whenever you can
Ask your partner to share the sleepless nights
Remove blue screens for one night a week
Take yourself for a walk in nature
Take a personal day away from the family at the weekend
Book yourself in for a spa day
Stay in a hotel on your own for an evening (or two)
Does this resonate with you? Do you find that your self-care is non existent? Feel free to share this blog on social media, or comment with your own experience of self care as a mum.
