My baby or toddler won’t go to sleep for my partner or husband
“My baby or child will only settle to sleep for me”
This is one of the most common challenges I hear from sleepless mums, that your baby or toddler will not go to sleep for anyone else but you. It maybe that you are trying to help your partner/husband, nanny or your child’s keyworker to be able to put your child down to sleep, but feel like you are fighting a losing battle. You may have encouraged someone else to try to settle your child to sleep, but it didn’t go to plan which has resulted in you not really wanting to try again.
First of all, I just want to say just because this is a common problem, it doesn’t mean this is easy on you. All a common problem means is that you are not the only person in these shoes. You know the ones where you feel suffocated, overwhelmed and exhausted, being held prisoner to your child day and night.
Having been a sleep deprived mum and working with hundreds of sleepless parents across the globe, I am guessing you want to share the weight of your child’s sleep but also sense that part of you doesn’t want to let go of the responsibility and control. You may struggle with the idea of your other half or someone else doing things in a different way to you, or that they will mess up your child’s sleep which you have worked so hard at. So, you end up taking the reins anyway to help you curb your anxiety.
The problem with this is, now you are not getting any respite, freedom or flexibility as you are the only person who is able to settle your child day and night. It is vicious cycle, you continue to do it because it is easier in the short term, but then everything stays the same. At the same time, you feel naturally resentful towards your partner or husband.
Here are my 3 key tips on how to introduce your partner to settle or resettle your child to sleep.
Lay the foundations
When you are at home, who offers the most comfort to your child or children? Who offers reassurance? I am not just talking in terms of sleep but day to day parenting. Who is the most available? Additionally, who plays the most with your child? Who takes care of the everyday activities such as dressing, eating, toileting?
If the answer is you, then the first step is to introduce your partner to these as much as you can. By encouraging and inviting your partner or husband to take the lead in these areas will lay the foundations for your child accepting them at sleeptime.
Your partner may not have the confidence at first because they have not had as much experience as you in these areas of parenting. Try taking baby steps with this, for example your partner being with you at first, and then you gradually taking a step back. This can be tricky to start with, you may find it useful to make yourself unavailable for short amount of times and gradually increase that time.
Nap and bed times
If your partner or husband work from home, then they maybe able to help with naps and bedtime around their working day. When you begin to involve your partner or husband into nap and bedtime routines, the more gradual the better.
If your partner doesn’t currently take part in any of the bedtime routine, a very first step is that they sit with you whilst you bath the children as usual. Once your child has got used to this, next you gradually increase the duration and responsibilities for your other half. For instance, the next step is your partner takes over the bath, then brushes your child’s teeth or washes their hair, and then over time they will take responsibility of the whole bath time.
After that, the next step could be that your other half comes into your child’s sleep space and sits with you whilst you put your baby or toddler to sleep. Then you do the same as the bath, gently or gradually increase the responsibilities and duration until your partner is doing the whole of bedtime. If your child is not falling asleep independently with you (e.g they are feeding, rocking or cuddling to sleep), then I would not recommend to introduce your partner immediately to step in at this point. This too needs to be worked towards gradually.
Consistency
The absolute key for anyone else putting your child to sleep is to make sure the other person putting your child to sleep is following the routines that you do as much as possible. If you do not have a nap time routine, now is really good time to introduce one. This means that you can teach your partner or husband this routine, so that they can do exactly the same.
I also recommend the same at bedtime. Once your child has accepted your partner at bedtime, you start to introduce them at night time. I recommend showing them how you settle your child so hopefully this makes it easier for your child to fall back to sleep without you. If your child falls asleep or resettles via breastfeeding, you may wish to try help your child to fall asleep with rocking so that your partner can do the same.
There are my key tips on how to start introducing someone else to put your child down to sleep. I hope that you find these useful so that you can start enjoying the time for you.
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